Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Dreaded Crud

After making efforts to eat right, exercise and get the flu shot, our household got the flu anyway. And not just any flu, but a decieving variety that fools you into thinking you're getting better, only to have you suffer a relapse. Yes, it's the Crud. We are so over it, but apparently it is not over us yet.

Sunday night was the worst night. I could not warm up no matter how many blankets, afghans, quilts and hot packs I had piled upon me. Finally I fell asleep and woke two hours later unable to throw off every stitch of clothing fast enough becaues I was burning from the inside out. Add to that, a hacking chest cough, all over body aches and caring for other family peeps becoming sick = no fun.

From no sleep, I've learned some things about nighttime television which you may find funny or disturbing or both. On two different nights, I found sex toy informercials. One was actually a sex toy shopping hour type of thing where you could call in to offer a testimonial. Two younger, attractive women just chatting up the product as though they were discussing the benefits of cake mix vs. cake from scratch. Another night, the show was hosted by a middle aged woman and a beer gut sporting, bald older man. I wanted to call in and in my flu med induced voice inform him that his enthusiastic pitch for a love swing had permanently turned me off any form of intimacy beyond sharing a plate of nachos with my husband. Children, it was just not right!

Not only can you buy a swing from a guy who probably prompts the chickies to check the sex offender binder each time he ambles into a Victoria's Secret, you can buy air brush foundation! Let me repeat: air brush foundation! In 10 seconds, you too can airbrush a perfect complexion on just like the stars. To be fair, they did seem to have some very experienced make-up artists who were well known in Tinseltown, but honestly, do I want to air brush my face and then very possibly start a side business making His & Hers t-shirts at the local carnival with my handy dandy foundation device? Um, no.

And, do the celebrities on these skin care informercials really believe that we believe that their wonder, miracle, scientific, fountain of youth products will stop aging in its tracks? Have you seen the celebrities on these informercials? Their faces never move because they've Botoxed themselves into a frozen mask and what isn't Botoxed has been stretched so tight, you could bounce a quarter off of it. It's painful to look at which is why rather than buying their product, you'll be reaching for the eyedrops to soothe your retinas which have been permanently seared with the images of scary, immobile stares.

Daytime tv is not much better. I refuse to watch Days of Our Young & Restless Children's Passions at the Hospital of Guiding Light. I haven't watched an Oprah show in at least 5 years and after watching it the other day for a few minutes, I can honestly say I don't feel I've missed much. Lifetime tv is really the same movie looping over and over again on a continuous loop just with a different actress and or maybe the same actress wearing a bad wig and carrying a new handbag to change things up. About the only thing worth watching is How Clean Is Your House on BBC which makes me feel oh, so much better while sitting amidst a pile of used tissues and assorted mugs filled with tepid soup, tea and half-consumed Theraflu. At least I clean my house, when I'm well, you know. Which should be any day now soon. Please, sooner rather than later!

The only one in the house not sick is my youngest daughter who has now posted signs all around the house with stern instructions to the colony of flu lepers who abide in her home. Whatever happened to share and share alike?


Laura said...

Oh I hope you're back to feeling 100% soon - sending you and yours healthy vibes! *lol* at the signs too - how adorable.

Dianna said...

The flu has sent you on a germ-prompted rampage girl!

You are right about tv...there is nothing I check my watch for anymore...ok, maybe American's the only thing I can watch with my 7yr old. Thanks for the late night heads time she's sick in the middle of the night (which I hope is not soon) I'll be popping in some Veggie Tales!
(1/5 of the school is out with chicken pox...I pray we dodge that one!)

Valita said...

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so badly. I pray you and your family are in good health soon. I'm not sick but for some reason I have not been able to sleep the last two nights and I so agree with you on all of the night time TV! I laugh everytime I see an infomercial with some former star toughting her cosmetic or beauty cream line. I noticed the same thing and wonder don't these woman see what they look like in a mirror anymore? Who do they think they are fooling? Thanks for the laugh. Now get some sleep.

Kim said...

Poooooooor baby! I'm so sorry you are still feeling poorly. I KNOW what you're talking about when you say you're better then it whacks you again. Watch the coughs and take care you don't get the pew-monia (pneumonia). That is a long recovery you don't need. I hope you're all better soon.

jennifer said...

Oh Lord Girl. I'm just SO sorry you guys are sick! The flu is going around here in our neck of te woods too. I am always blown away by the nastiness on TV. We don't have it so just imagine how culture shocked I am when I DO see it. I listen to Fox news on the XM radio and I get so SICK of the, ahem, male enhancement and aid products. Sheesh! All I wanted to know was what was going on in the world, not how some guy can rock his chickies world. I surely do hope you feel better SOON. Jennifer

Danielle said...

Oh Darlin' I hope your feeling better soon. Send that non-flu child on her bike to get you some ginger ale and chicken soup and fast!

I have *seen* that sex toy show before. I couldn't believe what I was watching. This is why I have Pride and Prejudice on DVD! It's 6 hours long so you don't have to watch Judge Judy to feel better.


jennifer said...


Kelleast said...

Wow - no fun. Hope you feel better soon. Did the kids take good care of you on their snow day off? said...

this is an awful year for the flu!! I haven't spoken to very many people who escaped it. Tell your daughter that if the signs work she might be the only one around who doesn't catch it! good for her