Sunday night was the worst night. I could not warm up no matter how many blankets, afghans, quilts and hot packs I had piled upon me. Finally I fell asleep and woke two hours later unable to throw off every stitch of clothing fast enough becaues I was burning from the inside out. Add to that, a hacking chest cough, all over body aches and caring for other family peeps becoming sick = no fun.
From no sleep, I've learned some things about nighttime television which you may find funny or disturbing or both. On two different nights, I found sex toy informercials. One was actually a sex toy shopping hour type of thing where you could call in to offer a testimonial. Two younger, attractive women just chatting up the product as though they were discussing the benefits of cake mix vs. cake from scratch. Another night, the show was hosted by a middle aged woman and a beer gut sporting, bald older man. I wanted to call in and in my flu med induced voice inform him that his enthusiastic pitch for a love swing had permanently turned me off any form of intimacy beyond sharing a plate of nachos with my husband. Children, it was just not right!
Not only can you buy a swing from a guy who probably prompts the chickies to check the sex offender binder each time he ambles into a Victoria's Secret, you can buy air brush foundation! Let me repeat: air brush foundation! In 10 seconds, you too can airbrush a perfect complexion on just like the stars. To be fair, they did seem to have some very experienced make-up artists who were well known in Tinseltown, but honestly, do I want to air brush my face and then very possibly start a side business making His & Hers t-shirts at the local carnival with my handy dandy foundation device? Um, no.
And, do the celebrities on these skin care informercials really believe that we believe that their wonder, miracle, scientific, fountain of youth products will stop aging in its tracks? Have you seen the celebrities on these informercials? Their faces never move because they've Botoxed themselves into a frozen mask and what isn't Botoxed has been stretched so tight, you could bounce a quarter off of it. It's painful to look at which is why rather than buying their product, you'll be reaching for the eyedrops to soothe your retinas which have been permanently seared with the images of scary, immobile stares.
Daytime tv is not much better. I refuse to watch Days of Our Young & Restless Children's Passions at the Hospital of Guiding Light. I haven't watched an Oprah show in at least 5 years and after watching it the other day for a few minutes, I can honestly say I don't feel I've missed much. Lifetime tv is really the same movie looping over and over again on a continuous loop just with a different actress and or maybe the same actress wearing a bad wig and carrying a new handbag to change things up. About the only thing worth watching is How Clean Is Your House on BBC which makes me feel oh, so much better while sitting amidst a pile of used tissues and assorted mugs filled with tepid soup, tea and half-consumed Theraflu. At least I clean my house, when I'm well, you know. Which should be any day now soon. Please, sooner rather than later!
The only one in the house not sick is my youngest daughter who has now posted signs all around the house with stern instructions to the colony of flu lepers who abide in her home. Whatever happened to share and share alike?